Mike Milo's Journal

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:
“Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape
and measured the grill and then went over to where
his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom. Yes, I was
right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that nigh t in bed, the
husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards
his wife who completely brushes him off.
What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?”

Okay maybe this isn’t perfectly accurate but ya gotta admit… there’s are a few things that are pretty close here…

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you’re fired.”

(P.S. – Yeah, I didn’t see it coming, either)

Error Resizing Image: error_loading_image
Original Image Path: "/home/.dexter/milowerx/blog.milowerx.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/one-dollar-bill.jpg"
File doesn’t exist?

Today the Federal Treasury issued an updated dollar design to track with the economy…

Error Resizing Image: error_loading_image
Original Image Path: "/home/.dexter/milowerx/blog.milowerx.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/cariobama.gif"
File doesn’t exist?

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, ‘What are all those clocks?’

St. Peter answered, ‘Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’

‘Oh,’ said the man, ‘whose clock is that?’

‘That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie.’

‘Incredible,’ said the man’. And whose clock is that one?’

St. Peter responded, ‘That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.’

‘Where’s Obama’s clock?’ asked the man.

‘Obama’s clock is in Jesus’ office.

He’s using it as a ceiling fan.

I love puns. They’re so clever. Who thinks this stuff up?
===================================

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve
you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’ (more…)

Interesting how traditions are started.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground
and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the
liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where do you want me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel stuck on top of the Christmas tree.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Everyday he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him  from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, “God! How could you do this to me?”

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the  island! It had come to rescue him! “How did you know I was here?,” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.

The Moral of This Story:

It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because God is at work in our lives….even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.