Mike Milo’s Journal

Both Maxwell Atoms, creator of The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, Mr. Warburton, creator of Codename Kids Next Door, CH Greenblatt (my boss) creator of Chowder graciously donated awesome art for a animation charity auction to help raise money for the Team in Training triathlon. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) is the world’s largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research and providing education and patient services. If you’re a fan of any of these shows it would be worth checking out the auction. My grandfather died of Cancer and I’m sure every one of you out there has been hurt in some way by this terrible disease. If you can’t get the art but can donate a little to help Joanne reach her goal, that would be greatly appreciated as well.

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…..

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity…

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ……..

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife. ‘
‘ What type of bra?’
asked the clerk.

‘Type?’ inquires the man, ‘There’s more than one type?’
‘ Look around,’
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
of bras to choose from .’
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
‘There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
‘It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.’

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn’t figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there…
{C} Can’t Complain!..
{D} Dang!…
{DD} Double dang!…
{E} Enormous!…
{F} Fake…
{G} Get a Reduction…
{H} Help me, I’ve fallen
and I can’t get up!…

They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

Today my dog Jessica died.

She was named after The Allman Bros. song Jessica which you can hear here if you like.

She was my first dog…

I had never owned a pet until Jessica because my mom was allergic. We got Jessie from a rescue center and she was the quietest in the litter of three. I learned later that was typical of a problem dog and that those types were usually difficult dogs. We kept her anyway.

She was a  feisty dog.

Once we tied her up around the other side of a chain link fence because she was bugging our guests and she promptly jumped over it and hung herself. I ran up to the fence and grabbed her then eased her back over the fence again and turned around and sproing! She did it again. this went on for 10 minutes of her constantly hanging herself every time I left her. She was a smart dog. She knew I wouldn’t let her die there so she gambled. And she won.

She was a smart dog.

We had an obedience trainer  come to our house when we first got her to teach her commands and after 6 weeks of training the dog trainer gave up telling us the dog was too smart. Oh she learned the commands but she only did them when she was on a leash. Once she was off, it was a different story and she paid you no mind at all.

She was an energetic dog.

The trainer told us she should have been one of those circus dogs because man could she jump. When she was in her prime Jessica could jump about 8 feet in the air. She had more energy than any dog I’ve ever seen and she would only sit if you sat. If you got up she got up and wanted to know where you were going , what you were doing and made sure she was coming along.

She was a talented dog.

Jessica had feet that she used liked hands. She was smart enough to know that if when you put down a bowl and it kept moving each time she licked it that she should put her paw in it and hold it. When you gave her a bone she would place it between her paws and bite off of it that way holding it like a flute. If she was with you she had to have one paw on your foot like she was holding your hand.

She was a loving dog.

Jessica would always come and find your hand and then nudge it so you could pet her. When she was little she used to find my hand dangling off the couch and position herself so she would be directly below it and it would rest on her tummy.

Jessica was my dog and I will miss her terribly.

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she  stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

See if you can guess which franchise we’re talking about from these hints…

36
have been accused of spousal abuse

7
have been arrested for fraud

19
have been accused of writing bad checks

117
have directly or indirectly
bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3
have done time for assault

71,
repeat
;
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit

14
have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
have been arrested for shoplifting

21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and

84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year

Can
you guess which organization this is?

Give
up yet? . . Scroll down,

Neither,
it’s the 435 members of the
United States Congress

The
same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You
gotta pass this one on!

Got this from my friend Jim…

When your boyfriend, husband or significant other does something that makes you angry, don’t give in to the temptation to argue and fight.  Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops to the floor.