Mike Milo’s Journal

The town Old Tappan, where I lived as a teenager, was settled in 1664 which granted is not old according to European standards but it’s pretty old for the US and played a large part in the revolutionary war. George Washington slept in my town numerous times and we even had a few traitors hung in a large oak tree in what was the center of town at the time. Behind my home we had at least 20 acres of woods which has now sadly been turned into condos and homes. At the time people didn’t worry so much about perverts, terrorists and murderers and our parents felt safe letting us be away from home for hours on end.

My friend Jimmy and I would get up on a Saturday morning and go hiking in the woods to explore like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer from sunup to sundown. the Horse trails which used to be the main thoroughfair in my town ran behind my house and although it had clearly been abandoned many years ago it still had remnants of life along it’s winding path. Many foundations of old businesses and homes dotted the path and sometimes would dig around them hoping to find a way into a still usable cellar.

One time we found was was an old chair factory and you could still find bits of wicker around the are. Another time we found what was clearly a bottle factory and we managed to get intot he cellar where we found tons of bottles from the revolutionary war. Hand blown glass, blue glass, yellow Ball jars. it was pretty awesome actually and we felt like archeologists unearthing ancient treasures. In hindsight we should have reported it to the authorities because it would surely be in the museums now but we had no idea about that stuff as kids and didn’t really care. The saddest thing? Our parents tossed the crates of bottles away thinking they were nothing important  and a bit of history was carried away to the dumps. Perhaps we were disillusioned you say? Maybe they were’nt as old as we had thought? No, we’re pretty sure as we found dates on some ranged from the 1800’s and we went to the library and found books with pictures of our bottles. No they were definitely old and unfortunately our parents were stupid.

NJ is a pretty swampy place with water everywhere and behind my house was no exception. We had a rather large river the Hackensack flowing behind us and we would make rafts and sail down the river seeking adventure. Our goal was always the same; get horribly lost and find our way home. One time we got so lost we end up up in Montvale which is a good 15 miles away and had to phone our parents to come get us. I was about 13 at the time I would say. Not the safest thing to do but again it was before the perverts took over the streets.

In Jersey we had quite a large number of Canadian geese which would fly down for the winter. I guess our area was south enough for them. In any event we stumbled on one of their nests with about five big eggs. We thought it was pretty cool and I had the grand notion of taking them home and cooking them. They would have made a big omelette I can tell you that. Well, in hindsight that was the stupidestt hing I could have done because as I reached down to grab one of the eggs. A full sized mother goose stuck it’s head tyhrough the foliage and looked me square in the eye. It was exactly like the scene in Jurassic Park where the Raptor had duped the hunter and he mumbled "Clever Girl" admirable before she vivisected him. Man I have to tell you the honk that thing let out made me just about poop my pants as Jimmy and I scrambled away as fast as we could in fear for our lives. We figured that would be the end but a little thing I didn’t know is that geese are like digs and they will chase you down if they feel threatened.

This big mother was no exception.

The thing stood up to it’s full height which was about as tall as I was at the time and opened it’s wings and started honking and chasing us. Let me tell you that the words sheer and terror are not strong enough of a description to describe being chased by a savage bird as big as you trying to protect it’s nest! We ran as fast as we could but it actually ran faster because of it’s webbed feet and our feet kept getting caught in the thick swampy mud. I actually lost a boot in the sludge and left it there for dead trying to get away from the snapping beak of the terrible creature. At one point the thing actually cornered us against a huge fallen tree and we wondered what it would do. I mean I’ve never heard of any headlines reading "Boys eaten by Goose" but then that didn ‘t mean it didn’t happen! After all, if it killed everyone who would’ve been left to tell the story? People disappeared all the time and we were terrified. The goose apparently realized this as well, flapped it’s wings and waddled off content that it had proven it’s point. I swear I heard it chuckle too. Stupid ass feathered demon.

The morale of the lesson is to never cross over a goose’s nest and if someone offers you roasted goose on Christmas, eat it man! The lack of the evil creatures might one day save your life out in the wild!

I still can’t watch Donald Duck cartoons.